Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Case Study #7

I found this question scribbled on a post-it note smacked on the windshield of my car:

Why do people not use turn signals as God intended?

And Dr. Brian responds:

Sweetie. I really don't think God has anything to do with it. Do you really believe that an omniscient being is going to concern himself (or HERself, depending on your viewpoints, life choices, and medication) with what the common idiot might or might not be doing whilst operating a pollution-spewing means of transportation?


This is something for the primates to work out amongst themselves.

And, as history has shown, the primates just can't get their act together. They probably could, if each individual primate received a functional and morally-acceptable brain, but there has obviously been poor planning in the distribution system. Packages did not get where they should, ergo, brainless wonders roam the earth in souped-up vehicles with stereo systems that can be heard on Jupiter.

But yes, I do agree that non-signalling idiots on our nation's roadways is a complete outrage. First, I am completely flummoxed as to why a functioning human being is unable to expend the one second it takes to activate a turn signal. Are you really that insipid and heartless? And second, NOT signalling is a CRIME. (Okay, a misdemeanor, but still, paying that fine will cut into your crack budget, and just might stop you from producing another welfare child.)

And that cuts right to the point. Where are the Po-Po when it comes to morons abusing our streets? If they would just pull these people over and give them a citation, we could eventually stop this atrocity. But alas, the police are more concerned with me turning right on red when I shouldn't be, instead of pursuing the non-signalling buttwipe that just zipped across three lanes of freeway traffic to take an exit they should have been prepared for by getting in THE FAR RIGHT LANE A MILE BACK!

Whoopsie. I seem to have worked myself up a bit. Mea culpa. I just don't understand the utter stupidity of my fellow man. But that's MY personal issue.

Back to you, since I will be sending you a bill for this, and therefore must pretend to make the analysis about you and your shallow interactions with society, rather than about me and my much more prescient concerns.

The indications of a slight fold in your post-it note, and the small smear of grape jelly, presumably from your own soiled finger and not from a passing homeless person, is a sure sign that you are not being satisfied in your marital bed. This is very serious, and will require many sessions.

Please speak with Lanae at the front desk to arrange your appointments. And you might want to speak with your insurer, as I foresee that we will be seeing a lot of each other, and I really don't want to deal with any billing issues. Be sure to mention "Post-Coital Post-It Syndrome". It's the latest thing, and they shouldn't have any isssues with the claims you file...

Much love,

Dr. Brian

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