Thursday, June 18, 2009

Case Study #6

In an unprecedented move, we are continuing the previous session, wherein the patient was so psychologically damaged that I could not provide complete analysis in the time slot allowed. To refresh, the patient asked:

Can a hangover result in death?

And Dr. Brian responds:

Welcome back. And quit waving around that ticket from the parking garage like the hounds of hell are after you. We can validate that later. Sit down.

So, in our previous session, I must confess that I was so distracted by the neuroses evident in your submission letter than I simply did not follow through with addressing your actual pathetic question. I shall remedy that henceforth.

Firstly, I am strongly convinced that my analysis of your posted letter was very much on par with your true psychological makeup, even though we did not deeply delve into the actual meat of the matter in regards to your question. The envelope showed classic signs of The Meltiki Syndrome, a fascinating situation wherein a patient's psyche splits into six separate personalities.

Interestingly enough, there were exactly six words in the question you posed. Even more fascinating, those six words, taken separately, are perfect signifiers of the six distinct personalities typically found in a person suffering from Meltiki Syndrome.

In other words, you are a classic textbook example of a fractured mind. Isn't this exciting!

So let's review the six words you submitted. Forget the actual question, it's not important. It's the individual words which define you.

First, we have the word "can". As all good therapists understand, this is actually an acronym for "Caustic Anal Neurotic". You are a severe Type-A personality. You must have complete control over your environment at all times, nothing can be off-center or dusty. I assume you vacuum everyday?

Then we have "a". Most physicians consider this an indicator of loss of self, a small, common word that everybody uses. It's supposed to represent a person feeling inadequate and unworthy. Since that possiblity has never crossed your mind, I would imagine it is the weakest of your six personalities.

Next comes "hangover". As we all now, there are two definitions of "hangover". The first is a physical sensation, wherein one retches while clutching a toilet that may or may not be their own. The second is a psychological term, where an individual uses the word as a euphemism for "inappropriate sexual activities have taken place".

In your particular case, I'm sure it is usually the second scenario. You think that by saying "hangover", all will be forgiven and no one will know what you have done. But unless you limit your contact to certain adult appliances, there is ALWAYS at least one person that is aware of the events that have transpired. And they usually want their handcuffs back.

Next we have the word "result". This one is easy, as it's religion-based. "Result" is the discreet way of saying "consequences of your sins". This is my least favorite personality in the six degrees of separation of the Meltiki Syndrome. I'm not interested in bible-thumping and the waving of placards outside abortion clinics. You can resolve this bit on your own.

Then we have "in". This is also known as the Fashionista Personality. It represents the burning desire to have the coolest and latest gadgets, the hottest outfits fresh off the runway in Milan, and a house that can vacuum itself. Luckily, most of us don't have enough money for this personality to ever take true control, although there CAN be some tense financial moments. My advice is that if it costs more than a late-night run to Taco Bell, you probably don't need it.

Finally, we have "death". Interesting how that turned out. This is an obsessive personality. The one that worries constantly about horrible things happening. You have little control over that. It will be as it will be. And when things do happen, you will rise above. In the end, there is a reason for everything, we have to trust in that.

Did I just soften a little bit? Hmmm.

Give me that damn ticket so I can validate it.

Dr. Brian

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