Thursday, May 7, 2009

Case Study #3

And now we have a Vin Diesel pseudo-wannabe weighing in:

Q: Dr Brian, why do idiots run the world?

Dear Asshat,

The answer is quite simple: Because idiots are allowed to have unprotected sex.

Idiots don't know how to do anything else. They can't comprehend words with more than three letters, they only have two functioning brain cells so original thought is not a possibility, and they are incapable of contributing to society in any way. Worthless.

But they've got that sex thing down. The idiot male dimly understands that they have an inflated appendage that must be inserted somewhere. The idiot female dimly understands that she has a climate-controlled storage facility where Billy Bob can place his best friend. Repeatedly. Of course, both the male and the female are stunned when a child shoots out months later. Even after 8 children.

So it becomes a mathematical situation. Responsible, practical, intelligent people take appropriate measures to ensure that the slap and tickle escapades do not lead to an abundance that is detrimental to our planet. But the idiots have not evolved. They missed the Gene Train. Due to their nasty humpa humpa primal instincts, the world is completely out of balance. Thousands of dead walking the earth for every one person that has actually read something more substantive than the back of a cereal box. Eventually, those walking zombies will gain positions of power due to their overwhelming number. And they have.

See, it wasn't always this way. Nature had it's own design, back in the day of the dinosaur and the caveman. Stupid people died. And rightly so. You want to sit on your ass in the cave while everyone else is out hunting and gathering? Fine. You don't eat when the tribe gets back. And eventually you die. You want to mess with the storage facility of an equally dim counterpart instead of running like hell and hiding when a T-Rex appears, then you deserve to die. You don't want to understand that just because you put lipstick on a rock a pray to it, that does not make the rock a God? Perish. And I don't mean Hilton.

Of course, there have been well-meaning attempts to rid the world of idiots throughout the centuries. These campaigns were all a bust. The Great Pyramids of Egypt? The pharoahs didn't give a damn about those things. They just wanted to send stupid people out in the desert to work themselves to death in the heat. But they wouldn't die. No, they just kept hauling crap up that incline and going back down for more.

The Black Plague? There was no virus. This was all about stealthy people running around with poison-tipped blow darts, aiming for anyone with two first names wearing a "Dukes of Hazzard" t-shirt. Did a pretty good job, but a failure in the end. Those dang idiots are like cockroaches. You hold a lightbulb over their head and they'll scatter, but they'll be back for the pizza crust later.

The Salem Witch trials? Okay, they got a little bit too arty there, what with bibles as props and those silly outfits and all that pointless writhing in pain. And little girls getting a wee bit uppity and straying from the Hit List just because some boy was cuter than another. But at least they tried. Sadly, times were changing, folks were starting to talk about this "human kindness" thing, and some people were actually offended by idiot-kabobs roasting on a stick. Who knew? The writhing stopped.

So society "progresses", although I have severe reservations about using that term. Now we have actual laws and governmental bailout programs to protect and actually encourage the stupid and irresponsible. You're not allowed to kill them. How effed is that? What went wrong where? Stupid people contribute NOTHING. Hello? But I'm not bitter.

The solution? Well, if we can give auto-makers billions of dollars for assinine decisions, and billions more to drop leaflets over third-world countries saying "just abstain from using storage facilities", then surely there's some spare change lying around somewhere for a network of specialized sterilization centers. Off with the nuts, I say. Of course, this operation will need to be carefully planned so that the idiots are clueless (THAT shouldn't take more than a paragraph in the documentation), the conservatives won't feel threatened in their quest to force women to give birth even if they aren't really that interested in doing so, and the liberals won't get all wonky about supposed human rights violations. Tricky, but it can be done.

So, we fake a cover story that these are clinics to FIGHT sterility, we live for nothing other than to make sure those little swimmers are really strong and really focused. We want babies! Yay! (Okay, check the radical right off the list.) To quiet the radical left, we will explain that the centers will consist of hundreds of private rooms in a row, each with their own outside access door for discretionary purposes. There will be armed security on patrol. We might even paint the doors orange. A nice touch.

We will then attract the idiots by advertising them as climate-controlled storage facilities. The drooling will commence, and a-runnin they will come. The code name for these centers will be U-Hell's. In the South, we can call them U-All's. Lorena Bobbitt can be the Executive Director.

I think this will work. Call your congressperson. Now.

With love for all mankind,

Dr. Brian

1 comment:

  1. Wait a damn minute, you mean I've been wasting my NINE DOLLAR AND 35 CENT LOREAL LIPSTICK on those dark colored rocks on my patio for NOTHING? All that chanting and praying and lighting citronella candles wasnt doing anything ??

    In the words of Pink---"Who Knew?"

    luv -'U-ALL"