Sunday, May 3, 2009

Case Study #2

And the annoying debutante is back:

Dear Brian, why do phrases like these appear in facebook quiz sections? "What Sort Of "I don't give a f*** I'll eat you" Killer Aquatic Creature Are You?" sincerely, annoying debutante case study #2

And Dr. Brian responds:

Dear Publicity-Seeking Skank,

This is not about you. In any way. Accept and breathe. This is about the thousands of impoverished souls that desperately need my wisdom and guidance. True, you are the only one who has actually knocked on my recycled-rainforest-wood door (Green is the new Black. Or some crap along those lines. I really don't understand my publicist sometimes, but I go with it.). But that does not make you special. It only means that your check cleared the bank and you get to come back for another session.

And this arrogance, this assumption that you get to be "case study #2". Hello? You're ALREADY case study #1. The paperwork on THAT case alone has been overwhelming. My assistants have been working overtime. (Side note, it's amazing how well-conditioned cats are for typing memos and filing affadavits. Who knew?) But the point is, this is not about getting to be #1 and #2. That is a discussion for the White House bedroom.

But since you ARE the only paying customer at the moment (I'm sure there are hundreds of others who just haven't figured out where the parking lot is, the streetlights around here are sorely lacking), I will attempt to hack my way through your minor concerns and dissect your neediness.

Let's see. There's so much low-hanging fruit to pick here...

The manner in which you postulated your question? Sigh. In our last session, what with the attempt to somehow rectify your assault on the basics of grammar by using hardened convict nuns whacking you with rulers, I thought we had moved beyond this impasse. But no. I'm certainly glad that Sally Field won an Emmy for playing "Sybil" in 1976. Yay. But if she had read your question aloud in a public gathering, she would also have won the presidency over Jimmy Carter. Because people would have been terrified to vote otherwise in the face of such a malicious and profane attack on the English language.

Perhaps that's a bit harsh. After all, Jimmy had Billy Carter waiting in the wings, about to unleash his peanut-based Billy Beer on the world. And there was also Amy Carter, the deer-in-the-headlights wonder that would set the stage for frizzy-haired First Daughters, a torch soon carried by "does she watch 'The L Word'?" Chelsea Clinton. So maybe Sally wouldn't have won after all. But it would have been damn close.

And now I really don't know what we were talking about. Oh wait. Something about your concern over odd and profanity-filled quizzes that are available on Facebook. Well, I have discussed this with the cats and other equally-qualified specialists in the field of human psychology. We analyzed and studied and pondered. And we have come to this conclusion:

People are fucking stupid.

Much love,

Dr. Brian

1 comment:

  1. Oh. (LOL hows that for insight)

    sincerely soon to be case study #3, because I dont listen, and it really IS all about me, luv and poppy seeds,
    Tootsie Roll