Thursday, August 27, 2009

Case Study #15

Lanae just brought me this, and then immediately began preparing a shot of tequila for me:

When you are in a department store, should you ask" where the free water is?" or "where the water fountain is?" hmm..

When you are filling out a job application, and you have to check F or M, does this stand for "monday or friday?" or "Female or male?"

These are sure some complicated questions... LOL

Dear Scary Person,

I’ll be honest with you. I seriously had to have my assistant, Lanae, check my vital signs to ensure that I had not suffered a small seizure prior to reading your submission. Because, quite frankly, I didn’t think there could be any other reason for me seeing the words that I thought I was seeing unless neurological damage had taken place.

Sadly, Lanae gave me a clean bill of health. Then she read your letter back to me, and to my horror, the words were indeed the same words that I had hoped I had only envisioned in some surrealistic synaptic misfire. You truly sent this thing to me just as it appears above.

I’m so sorry for your family.

But I am a professional, and will do what I can to bring you back from the edge of the psychological abyss where you are currently dangling, apparently by one finger, with a strong wind barreling through this canyon of dementia.

I must be strong.

Firstly, do not ever go into another department store for the rest of your natural life. You clearly have lost the fundamental grasp of the true purpose of such establishments. These are not places of nourishment and refreshment. Can you understand that? Concentrate, this is critical.

Department stores were created for the sole purpose of luring you into over-paying for ridiculous items that no human being really needs. They want you to lust for pointless crap just so you can have the dubious honor of wearing some foo-foo designer’s name on your ass, while spritzed with vanity colognes that smell like someone forgot to take the trash out after an especially strenuous orgy.

To clarify, department stores are not watering holes. They were not designed for the tramping about of bone-dry herds. Therefore, it does not matter how one should ask for water in such a den of bling and irritatingly-skinny “sales-models”. You shouldn’t be asking in the first place. Find a garden hose.

Yes, I do understand that you may have indeed entered a department store fully intending to purchase some high-end undergarment that requires dry-cleaning and storage in a climate-controlled vault, and then perhaps became a bit parched and throat-scratchy. (After all, no one wants to sound like Joan Rivers when the anesthesia wears off in the cosmetic-surgery ICU.)

However, my advice is the same. You should not expect lubrication stations anywhere near an Hermes scarf. It simply isn’t done. If you plan to fondle cashmere while surrounded by lock-jawed society women that have never worked a day in their lives, you should be fully prepared and have the proper training.

Perhaps you should read Bitsy Uppercrust’s fascinating survival guide on high-end shopping: “Only The Strong Survive: Beating the Bitches at Barney’s”. You will note that there is an entire chapter on the fact that you should hydrate before asking the chauffeur to take you for a bit of shopping. This is a cut-throat social setting. There simply isn’t time to dash off to a disease-ridden public water dispenser when couture is at stake.

Now, moving on to the bit where you confuse days of the week with gender. I’m completely agog. What lead you to this point, where such a thing can happen? To be fair, there has been considerable buzz in the hippest medical journals about this condition. You are not alone. (Which makes me tremble, but again, I shall be strong for my clients who have no limits on their various credit cards.)

As is often the case with identity issues that lead to traumatic psychosis, the parents are usually to blame, especially when it comes to gender identity and the calendar. For instance, did your parents jack around with your given name whilst you were growing and budding? This is critical, and it happens far too often than should be legally allowed.

Let’s say your name is Emily. Very feminine, very pretty. You start out in life knowing that when people say this sound, it means YOU, the lovely little girl with the cashmere diapers. But let’s say that one day Momma calls you “Emmy”. Well, that’s not quite so feminine, is it? Still kind of pretty, but a little bit more rural, less Fifth Avenue. Did mommy think you were ugly today? And that’s where it starts.

And then there’s the shocking day when Daddy calls you “Em”. Well, that’s just downright cruel. Now you’re a trucker wearing flannel and drinking cheap beer out of your bottle. And if you happen to have one of those cute Tickle-Me-Elmo calendars hanging beside you, you might make an association with the days that you were called certain names. And thus begins DOGS (Days Of Gender Syndrome). I’m sorry to say that it’s downhill from there.

We have various treatment programs that can help you, so don’t be too concerned about this angle. Help is on the way, as long as you can afford it.

But of more immediate concern: Why are you entering information of any kind on applications? You have some very serious issues, young lady, and should not be filling out anything at this time, whether it be for a job, a dating service, or an effort to show your support for a political candidate. Until you know who YOU are, you certainly can’t expect anyone else to seriously value any legal paperwork that you might submit, considering your confusion, dehydration, and uncertainty about your actual name.

And your final LOL about “These are sure some complicated questions” is a blatant plea for help. We are here to serve you. The first step in any recovery is admitting that you have a problem. And if you don’t think you have a problem, then WE will commit you, preferably to an institution with cashmere straight-jackets. For your own good, of course.

Please bring all your insurance forms to the next session. Just don’t fill them out. We beg you.

Much love,

Dr. Brian


  1. DOGS (Days Of Gender Syndrome)


  2. RE: tricky job application questions...

    When confronted with the M/F query, the sure way to be remembered is a printed response, "Why F, of course; I haven't M'd in years!"